Does High Emotional Intelligence Make You More Miserable?
What People Fail To Understand About EQ And The Consequences
Does High Emotional Intelligence Make You More Miserable?
What People Fail To Understand About EQ And The Consequences
Written by a human, for humans, always.
I was reading an article by a psychologist whose writings have been interesting to read.
In this particular article, they made a claim that goes against what you typically hear.
Their claim...
That having high emotional intelligence (EQ or EI)...
Actually makes you more miserable.
Indeed...
They listed out some great examples from their own work where they saw individuals who had high emotional intelligence...
Who were also made miserable.
Some of the claims as to why this happens...
Constant meta-analysis - seeing all emotions as puzzles to piece together.
Exhaustion from emotional labor that becomes burnout.
Overwhelm from empathy or taking on the emotions of others and being crushed by them.
The need to “perform” emotional intelligence when others rely on you to be the “strong” one.
Being the one who “handles” others’ emotions, which can leave those others emotionally incompetent, and you resentful.
Overanalyzing emotions to the point that you do not “feel” or “experience” the emotion any longer and are able to simply rationalize it.
The trap of ruminating on problems as you analyze them.
“Survival techniques” that become the dominant frame of reference for how you begin to perceive the world, especially in marginalized groups or when perceiving yourself as a victim.
That is not an exhaustive list of what they laid out...
But it does paint a potent picture...
That as your emotional intelligence increases...
It can make you more miserable.
Or...
Perhaps there is something missing.
What is it?
The fact that emotional intelligence is not really “one” thing...
It is not just “one” type of intelligence.
What I actually see from what this individual has laid out extremely well...
Is that all of these different examples are not truly “high emotional intelligence”...
At least...
Not fully.
See, in emotional intelligence, there are actually four different types of measurements that go into it...
And being “high” in one of these measurements does not necessarily make you “high” in other measurements.
What are the measurements?
Understanding others’ emotions.
Handling others’ emotions.
Understanding your own emotions.
Handling your own emotions.
Now, what I see in most of these examples given...
Are individuals who seem to have high emotional intelligence in understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others...
But low emotional intelligence in handling others’ emotions and their own emotions.
Remember...
Emotional intelligence is not “one” measurement.
Let’s look at the examples I listed out.
If you see others as puzzles to piece together...
That tells me that you have the skill to understand others’ emotional intelligence...
But the fact that “you” see others as “projects” to solve tells me that your emotional intelligence is low in a different respect.
People are not projects.
You are not here to solve people.
Even if you are in a “role” where you help people in their emotional capacities...
Your role is not to “solve” them, but help guide them to gain improvements in their emotional intelligence...
So they can help themselves.
If you are exhausted from emotional labor...
You do not know your own boundaries, and have low emotional intelligence on what you can handle...
Which, I know, is “really” hard in industries where you are there to help people who do need help...
But you also need to know and protect your own boundaries at the same time.
If you are taking on others’ emotions...
Then you are struggling to separate “your” emotions from the emotions you can “feel” from others...
Indicating your own low emotional intelligence in this aspect.
You can feel and empathize with others...
Without “taking on” their emotional load.
If you are “performing” emotional intelligence...
You are likely working on a societal perception of what you “believe” someone who is emotionally intelligent is “supposed” to look like...
Which is not the same thing as actually handling your emotions in an effective manner.
If you are trying to be the “strong” one and you are the one who “handles” other people’s emotions...
You are demonstrating both that your emotional intelligence in the area of being “perceived” as strong as opposed to “being” truly strong...
As well as the fact that you are not really helping others handle their emotions...
You’re trying to handle their emotions for them...
Which means you are making them dependent on you and simultaneously adding more work for yourself.
If you then become resentful of this, then you are further demonstrating your own low emotional intelligence in handling your own emotions.
If you are analyzing emotions instead of feeling emotions, then you are not really being emotionally intelligent in handling your emotions.
There is a difference between understanding and experiencing emotions, and if you are not fully experiencing them in a healthy manner, then you are demonstrating low emotional intelligence in that area.
If you are ruminating on something, you are not really resolving anything or processing those emotions well.
Survival techniques are usually developed either based on the culture you grow up within or based on adaptive measures based on what is available to you at a certain time...
But if you are unable to figure out what survival techniques actually benefit you or are unable to let go of survival techniques that keep you feeling like a victim when you are no longer a victim, and develop new techniques that benefit you...
Then you are not really handling your own emotions successfully...
Allowing the past to continue to dictate your future.
What does all of this show?
Was the article correct that having high emotional intelligence makes you miserable?
Partially.
If you develop certain types of emotional intelligence, such as your ability to understand emotions...
But fail to develop other types of emotional intelligence, such as understanding how to healthily move through your own emotions or believing that you are supposed to solve others’ emotions...
Then yes, you can become extremely miserable.
But what they were missing in their analysis is that emotional intelligence is multiple factors...
And it is absolutely possible to develop one type of emotional intelligence while neglecting another or having misconceptions of what others mean.
Truly high emotional intelligence is rare in our world.
Few people take the time to do this successfully in all aspects of emotions.
Even those who do take the time end up struggling for a variety of reasons.
How they were trained.
The societal beliefs they have around them.
Not getting proper help.
Being helped by individuals who do not really understand these dimensions of emotional intelligence themselves.
Not knowing the different types of tools and methodologies that can help.
Even other psychophysiological issues can decrease your emotional intelligence, such as having gut-health issues, dehydration, lack of sleep, low embodied cognition, and more.
In my work with clients, I have discovered that many people struggle with emotions...
Not because they do not know “how” to do it...
But because they “physically” are unable due to other health factors.
Emotional intelligence is vastly more complicated than most people realize...
That we are still working on understanding.
Yet...
If we are successful at increasing all aspects of emotional intelligence...
Truly, in reality...
Which is not a simple thing to accomplish...
Then, high emotional intelligence will actually make you less miserable...
While simultaneously helping others become less miserable.
But if you only get a part of the different aspects of emotional intelligence...
Then there can be real challenges that you will face that can and do make many people very miserable.
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Do not get me wrong…
Emotions can be difficult to work with and through.
Even when you “do” have truly high emotional intelligence.
I have tested in the top 1% of emotional intelligence…
That does not make it “easy”.
But…
Emotions can be made easier to work with and through.
How?
That is what we will look at next.
Let’s Dive In…
